The Advantage of Being a Pineapple
by Blackwolf-20
Summary: A curse gone wrong leaves Harry in an unexpected predicament, as a certain tropical piece of fruit. Rather than fall into despair, Harry attempts to think of the positives of his new form as his fate hangs in the balance.


**Disclaimer: I don't Harry Potter**

I wrote this fic long ago, for no reason other than to just write something odd and way out of the box. I decided I'll finally post it. Maybe I was inspired by 'Sabrina the Teenaged Witch' where Sabrina had accidently turned her rival into a pineapple, but I think the idea simply came out of nowhere. So, have fun with this silly fic, and part two will be up soon.

**Part 1**

**Harry had quickly come to realize there were several advantages to being a pineapple. Normally he wouldn't admit that, but there was nothing else for him to do about it. As of this moment, he was a pineapple. An actual, tropical fruit that was sitting on the table in the Slytherin's common room. How he'd gotten there was from his own slowness.**

**He and Malfoy had started a private duel. One that took place in the dead of night when no one was around. It had been a secret promise between them. Harry cursed himself for not telling Ron or Hermione about it. If he had, he was sure he'd be human again. Anyhow, the duel had not gone well on his part. At one point, Harry believed he had knocked Malfoy out. He had sent the blonde flying through the air and crashing to the ground. He had been about to walk away when he heard Malfoy getting to his feet behind him. **

"**I'll get you for that Potter!"**

**Malfoy had been ready to keep their battle going, but Harry had had enough. He resigned and turned his back on him. Of course Malfoy didn't keep to the promise of not cursing someone when their back was turned, a warning given to him by a fake Mad-Eye-Moody. **

"**Oh no you don't!"**

**Harry had turned just in time to see a bright green light coming his way. For a split second, he thought he was about to die from the killing curse, yet he did not recall hearing Malfoy scream "Avada Kedavra!"**

**It hit him full in the chest, and he was knocked to the ground. He didn't feel himself dying. He felt himself twitching and bloating. He heard Malfoy step up to him. He briefly caught a look at his shocked expression. He had every reason to be shocked. His stomach was growing at an impossibly fast rate. His legs where shrinking and actually retreating into him. The same thing was happening to his arms. He felt his hair lift up. His head was sinking down. He found himself covered in his own robes. After a few minutes, he saw Malfoy lifting them away. He was being lifted, actually being lifted up by Malfoy where he could see his shocked reaction. Harry was consciously trying to move limps that were no longer there. He tried to turn his head, only to realize he didn't exactly have a head anymore. He had a good peripheral view. **

**Crabbe and Goyle came running up to him, wanting to know what happened. It was from Malfoy that Harry learned what he was.**

"**I just turned Potter into a…pineapple."**

**There were no mad dashes to Professor Dumbledore. No confession to Professor Snape. Instead, they had taken Harry to their common room. No one had said a word. Harry was dying to say something, but as he could no longer vocalize his thoughts, his screams of panic were silent. **

"**What do we do?" Crabbe had asked.**

**Malfoy had sat Harry down on the table.**

"**Nothing, we do nothing."**

"**You're not gonna try and change him back?" Goyle had asked.**

"**Why should I? He deserves it. Besides, if anyone found out, I'll be expelled."**

"**So how do we explain his disappearance?" Crabbe asked.**

"**We don't," Malfoy decided. "No one knows about our duel except the two of you, so keep your mouths shut. As far as we know, Potter's run off."**

**Harry had been seething with rage. He wanted to shake, to attack Malfoy with the rough edges of his skin, but he could do nothing but sit there, listening.**

"**What do we do with him? Eat him?" Crabbe asked.**

"**You're always thinking with your stomach. That's disgusting. That would be consuming Potter. No. We leave him here, on this table like a décor. Spread the word, no one is to touch him."**

**So on the table he sat. Strangely enough, he could see everything around him, yet he didn't have eyes. He could hear everything around him, yet he didn't have ears. Somehow he was able to survive without the use of air. It was an odd experience, but it was one that Harry found unusually appealing, yet frightening. But this was his life now; his existence. There was nothing he could do about it.  
It was not like he could say a spell or jump off the table and go hopping up to Dumbledore's office. He was stuck. So rather than sulk and silently complain, he decided he would try to be positive about the situation.**

'_**It's alright Harry,'**_** he thought to himself. **_**'I'll be alright. There's got to be some advantages to this predicament'.**_** But it sounded like a lie. Or perhaps, he was just going a bit fruity in the mind. **

**But there were advantages, and one of those advantages was missing class. **

**He couldn't very well attend a lesson in his form. Although, he would have liked to attend transfiguration, and would normally liked to have attended Defense Against the Dark Arts if it weren't for Professor Umbridge teaching it. All in all, he no longer had to worry about taking tests or completing paper assignments.**

**Of course, the disadvantages seemed to outweigh that one particular advantage. For one, he could no longer hold a broom, therefore he no longer could play Quidditch. It was the greatest downside and he actually felt himself sag a bit. It made him temporarily wonder if his mood could actually sour his innards. Another disadvantage was he could no longer eat. And if he could no longer eat, he could no longer visit the great hall. There was definitely no visiting Hogsmeade. **

**Still, an advantage would be that he no longer carried any responsibilities. In this form, he wouldn't have to worry about Voldemort targeting him. In his opinion, it was the highest advantage. Of course, that would mean Voldemort was free to attack others without him there to stop him. **

**At the thought, Harry's leaves actually drooped. But then he thought of another advantage. The Dursleys! He would no longer have to see those gruesome relatives of his again. At that thought, his leaves raised. He could stay at Hogwarts and not have to return to them. **

**But then, of course, there was the reminder of what Hogwarts was. It was a place for magical people, and he was no longer magical. He was a piece of fruit. No longer would he be able to perform magic. At that, the leaves drooped again.**

**And on top of that, there was his friends. He would never see Ron and Hermione again; never get to spend time with them the way he used to. He would be alone, with the Slytherins. Harry actually shivered a bit.**

'_**I suppose there are more disadvantages than there are advantages,' **_**he thought. But what could he do about it now. '**_**I'm no longer a wizard.'**_

**He had been trying to silently wield himself back into a human, but it was a no go. Silently he sighed.**

'_**Suppose I'll have to trust in the advantages in being a pineapple'.**_

**In this case, Harry thought about the positives of the fruit itself. He had never given pineapple much of a thought. It was simply a yellow, tangy, juicy fruit. It wasn't as if he'd eaten a lot of them before. If the Dursley's had been kind enough to spare him some, then he gladly took it. It was sweet and had that amazing tropical scent that reminded him of paradise. And now he was paradise, in a way. **

**There was no blood or muscles. He was now purely made of a different sort of meat. One that he was quickly finding comfort in. **

**Now had he been turned into an eggplant or a banana, he might have complained more and thought about all the negatives only. But as some luck would have it, Draco chose to make him a pineapple.**

'_**Could have been worse,'**_** he thought. **_**'Could have been turned into a toilet.'**_

**Instead, he was something sweet and pleasant. He was the embodiment of tropical. And then there was his outer skin. The spiky nature of his new protective coating gave him what he thought was a dangerous edge. No longer was he that seemingly harmless boy. **

**As Harry lost himself in his newfound form, Draco entered the common room. In the four days Harry had been a pineapple, Draco had always looked right at him when he entered. He would never forget that he was not just a pineapple. Then Crabbe and Goyle stepped next to him. Draco stepped right up to Harry's table and looked down at the pineapple**

"**How long are you going to keep this going on?" Goyle asked. **

"**Yeah. We should just cut him up already," said Crabbe.**

**Draco looked at him with an expression of disgust. **

"**Come on Crabbe. That's just gross. No, we're sending him back to his Gryffindor mates."**

**A burst of excitement filled Harry, and he felt he had become a lot sweeter. **

"**Have you gone mad?" Crabbe cried. "You're going to confess to them what you've done when you wouldn't even go to Snape?"**

"**Of course I'm not going to confess," Malfoy hissed. "I'll just give it to them. What do I care what they do with him."**

**At that, he grabbed Harry by the leaves and lifted him off the table. Harry couldn't help the same feeling of panic that overtook his excitement. If they didn't know what he really was, then…**

"**But, what if they, **_**eat**_** him?" asked Goyle.**

**If Harry could gulp, he would have at that moment. **

"**Like I said," said Malfoy, "what do I care."**

**It came across as unconcerned, though Harry swore he sounded a little sick by the idea. Harry, however, simply concentrated on the joy of leaving the Slytherin common room at last. **

**As Harry swung by Malfoy's side, he tried to come up with ways to inform Ron and Hermione that he was a lie. He was a boy, not a piece of fruit. If he couldn't do that much, he'd have to somehow convince them, particularly Ron, not to eat him. **_**'Maybe there's a way I can make my outsides look spoiled,' **_**he thought with a positive air. **_**'But then, they'd throw me away!'**_

**He could be mixed up in the garbage bin, or burned until he was nothing but sweet, tangy ashes. He tried more than ever to move himself. He shook and tried to tremble the leaves. The portrait of the Fat Lady was coming into sight. This was it. **_**'Come on, move! Move!'**_

**All he could manage was a bump into Malfoy's side. It was progress, and it had managed to distract Malfoy and halt him.**

"**What's the matter?" asked Goyle.**

**Harry was pleased to have Malfoy's full attention upon him. His brow was raised in surprise, and his expression read as wary. If he was having second thoughts, then Harry knew he had a chance.**

'_**Yes!'**_** Harry thought. **_**'You know this is wrong. You know you can't live with yourself if you knew they ate me, even if I am your enemy.'**_

"**Nothing's the matter," said Malfoy as he continued to stare down at Harry the pineapple. "Look, there's his Gryffindor mates."**

**Dread filled Harry like never before. He was certain he could feel a bit of a juicy leak down below as the fear settled in. But then he realized there was still hope. He could try moving again. He'd done it already to Malfoy, but at the moment, he realized there was a disadvantage to trying to move. He was currently feeling powerless. All he could do, was hang by Malfoy's side, almost lifelessly.**

"**Hey Weasle! Granger!" Malfoy called.**

**Harry turned his attention to his friends. As expected, they weren't pleased to see his enemy. If they knew what he'd done, he was sure they'd curse him into a nice blonde lemon on the spot.**

"**What do you want Malfoy?" Ron asked with a sneer.**

"**Got a gift for you, courtesy of Potter." He lifted Harry who felt himself flying across the air and into Ron's hands. Harry couldn't help thinking, '**_**Nice catch Ron!'**_** He was then met with the red-head's confused face. "What's this all about?"**

"**Where's Harry?" Hermione asked.**

**Crabbe and Goyle chuckled while Malfoy smirked. If only Harry had his eyebrows, he'd be scowling at the miserable blonde. **

"**Oh he's here, with his useless Gryffindor mates," said Malfoy cheekily, then he turned and started to head down the stairs, laughing with his henchmen.**

**As delighted as he was to see Ron and Hermione again, he felt very insecure. It was only natural, but how natural was it for a fruit to feel this way?**

"**What was that all about?" asked Ron. "And what's with this thing?"**

"**It's a pineapple Ron," said Hermione as if he couldn't figure it out.**

'_**No I'm not! I'm Harry! Your best friend!'**_

"**I know what it is," he said in annoyance. "I'm asking why Malfoy gave it to us. And where's Harry?"**

'_**Right here!'**_

**He tried to shake or present any form of movement, but clearly the one he'd done to Malfoy, was one time too much. **

"**Don't know," said Hermione. "But, maybe he gave this to us as a gift."**

"**Oh come off it Hermione. Have you ever known Malfoy to give us anything, except insults? That sneaky Slytherin's up to something."**

"**Then throw it out if you're suspicious."**

'_**NO!**_**'**

"**Throw it out? Are you mad?" Ron questioned. "This could be a perfectly good pineapple. We can't just throw it out."**

'_**At a boy Ron!'**_

"**Then what do you suggest we do with it?" **

**Harry was holding a breath he no longer seemed to have.**

"**We eat it of course."**

'_**No Ron! No! You can't eat your best friend!'**_

"**After Malfoy gave it to you?" Hermione questioned.**

**Leave it to Hermione to bring about sense.**

"**No way. We test if for any jinxes, then if it's safe, we eat it. And by we, I mean, you test it," Ron explained.**

**Harry had to admit it was better than Ron sitting him on a plate while he brought out the carving knife. He knew that's where he'd be if he didn't have them as friends. They clearly saw the disadvantage of consuming something given to them by a Slytherin.**

"**Alright, I'll take it and put it away."**

**Harry felt Hermione's soft hand grab ahold of his leaves. Into the common room she went, and up to the girl's dormitory. If he was ever at an advantage, it was now. No boy, as far as he knew, had ever been in the girl's dormitory before, and here Hermione was willingly escorting him there. **

**Harry saw nothing completely different about it. The room was as common as the boy's dorm, except there were a few accents of things that were clearly feminine. A few bows and flowers decorated certain areas. Only Hermione's bedside remained untouched.**

**After a moment of taking in the sights, Harry tried moving again, but could do nothing. Hermione set him down right on her night stand. Crookshanks, who had been lazing about on the bed, moved over to inspect him.**

"**Don't bother it Crookshanks. For all we know, it may be cursed," Hermione warned.**

**Crookshanks swiped his paw into his side before turning away. As far as Harry knew, cats didn't eat pineapples, so he was safe. He was even safer after Hermione scribbled out a quick note and placed it before him.**

"**Where'd you get that Hermione?" asked a girl who entered the room. "A secret admirer?"**

"**No," said Hermione with an air of annoyance. "A gift from Malfoy."**

"**Malfoy?"**

"**Yeah. Ron wants me to check if for jinxes before he eats it. So tell the other girls not to touch it."**

"**Don't worry. We're not touching anything from the Slytherins. Your friend's always concerned about what he can get into his stomach, no matter where it's from."**

**The girls then left Harry to his thoughts. He was hopeful they'd figure it out. After being gone for so long only to have Malfoy come up and mention his name, maybe they'd put two and two together. Then again, how often was a student turned into a pineapple?**

'_**There are advantages to this,'**_** he thought with growing confidence. **_**'Hermione's going to test me for jinxes. She'll know what I am! She'll know! Ah…Crookshanks.'**_** The cat had taken another swipe at him and even pressed his nose into his rough skin. Now Harry found himself trembling with silent, thoughtful laughter as the cat's nose tickled him. Once the cat put a stop to his attack, he wondered if Crookshanks knew that he was really a wizard; after all, he did know Scabbers wasn't a rat. But the cat lost interest and wondered away, leaving Harry feeling his insides had become tangier. **

**Harry didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, waiting for Hermione's return. When she did reappear, he couldn't help noticing the whiteness of her face. Parvati, Ginny, and Lavender followed behind her. **

"**Where do you suppose Harry could be?" Ginny asked. She too looked worried.**

"**I don't know," said Hermione. "But it's definitely got something to do with Malfoy. I told the headmaster what he said to us. He's questioning him now."**

"**Do you think he'll turn up?" asked Parvati.**

"**I know he will," said Hermione.**

'_**If you guys don't eat me first,' **_**thought Harry bitterly.**

**He was then met with Hermione's worried face.**

"**I suppose I'll get to de-jinxing this to get my mind off this situation. But after homework."**

**Harry trembled with an inaudible groan that no one noticed.**

**Did pineapples sleep? Harry didn't know how that worked. There were no advantages to falling unconscious. For it could be at the moment when a particularly hungry student snuck upon him, with a carving knife. So with that, Harry forced himself to remain awake, though he was certain he could never fall asleep. **

So like I said, I had no reason for writing his fic, other than to have Harry come up with some interesting reasonable positives for being turned into a pineapple. I'm not sure if anyone's ever written Harry as a pineapple. It's definitely a first for me. Anyways I hope the story so far was humorous to you. Feel free to review and I'll update with the final part.

Will Harry avoid being eaten? Will he ever change back to being a wizard? Will Harry come up with more advantages to being a piece of tropical fruit?


End file.
